Moving on.

It’s one of those days where I feel physically ill, my insides knotted into a clump, my head pounding with each heart beat; worst of all I feel so very alone. These days come less, and with that comes a promise that this shall all someday pass. some days everything feels ok. This tiny apartment that costs too much, my car that has a personal vendetta against me, my beautiful Grade Three’s, the absence of my pup, the many changed relationships and hollow phone calls with boys. Amidst the beginnings of this new life I’m building, I manage to find a little bit of peace, some happiness, and hope. Through Yoga, visits with friends, sometimes just a special moment, I manage to find excitement for the life that waits. Yet today I am unable to leave this damn squeaky bed, I’m riddled with thoughts that perhaps Blake and I should just work it out. Life was so easy with him. Bills always paid, garbage’s taken out, cars filled up and maintained, plenty of money to spend. It becomes harder to grip onto the memories of hurt from those last months, of the loneliness, of our quiet empty home where dreams hung in the air just out of reach. I know he loved me and he still does, but was it ever enough? Is it now? He’s quick to be there for me if I need anything, like money for the contact lenses I can no longer afford. His final words play over in my mind “I cried a lot when I went home last time I saw you, do you think it’s because I feel guilty for how sad you are, or cause I miss you?” what an awful thing to say, is it possible that we both just need to move on? And how exactly does one do that?

Kiss tomorrow goodbye-Luke Bryan

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Ghosts.

I drove past our house today, little green trees sat outside the garage and a giant decorated tree shone through the window. Two black figures moved inside, ghosts.  

I look back at the last 5 months. 5 months’ worth of devastation, houses crumbling, lives shattering, everything is different, and although it feels like I could look behind me and literally see the storm head moving slowly away from me, I don’t dare. I’m shaken and disoriented, to the world I look lost and broken, but inside I am growing stronger than I’ve ever been. I miss him and our precious life, my past, our dog, having a sense of belonging and home, love, and being loved. I have to begin to trust that there is something or someone out there for me, something that makes this worthwhile. But with this attitude nothing ever will be.

Questions.

Time heals all? Perhaps. Maybe we simply find ways to mask the incredible pain that lingers, simple Band-Aids that keep the thoughts at bay until forgotten memories rip quietly and quickly at our feeble bandages. Two more months have passed and I cringe as I remember where I was.
Is it ok? No it isn’t, it’s the saddest story in the world, and I’s something that shouldn’t have happened, but does so often. Am I fine? Yes, am I happy? Sometimes, do I regret anything? No. do I miss him?
Always.

Just the beginning

You always were.

Am I enough?
Yes you are beautiful brave girl.
I love who you are and what you stand for;
I love your flaming courage and the way you
fling yourself into the world with reckless regard.
I am so proud of how far you’ve come.
You fought for your happiness and it was enough,
you always were.

I love her.

Change everywhere! I stare into the mirror at the freckled face framed by a dark blonde bob and big black framed glasses; New hair, new glasses, new shirt, new apartment, new routines, new life, old Nella?
I have been completely overwhelmed with the sheer business of life over the past two weeks. Baffled at how everything, life as I know it has moulded and shaped into something I no longer recognise, I stepped off the plane and into a world that I no longer have a place in. I wrap an old blanket around me and walk out onto the 8^th floor balcony of the condo I'm staying at; staring in awe at the lightning that illuminates the entire city sky line. This is my storm.
The monstrous rumbling thunder, the cars rushing below, the rain pelting down, washing away the sins of the day. People move like ants inside their dimly lit apartments, and all of a sudden I realise that the world is exactly the way I left it all those months ago. All that has really changed is me. It's me who finally decides what that change will be, I can decide where this life will take me, old Nella? Nope. Before me stands a more mature, wiser, and stronger woman, and I love her more than ever before.